It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
