She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
