The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
