Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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