I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
