Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
