Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
