I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
