so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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