I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's never too late to be topless.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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