I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize