I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
