What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
