Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize