turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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