We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
