So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
