we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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