A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
