get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
