just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
