i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
