You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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