he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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