Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just google imaged poop.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
