I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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