I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
