Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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