Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
