I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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