MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
