then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
