Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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