Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
