Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
