I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
