And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
