I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
