We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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