i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
