I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
