dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
