Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
