oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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