I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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