Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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