The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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