When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
