Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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