my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize