dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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