My nipple is on Facebook.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
