Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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