Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
We got so high we made milksteak
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it's like heaven, but drunker
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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