Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
