i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
