Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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