Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she told me i tasted like america
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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