i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
