so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
