My liver just broke up with me...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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