Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm getting married
To pizza
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
