I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
