I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Holy sore nipples Batman
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I came so hard my ears popped.
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