Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
