I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
