filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
