Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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