had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
