with your own penis?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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