Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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