Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
