oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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