I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
