Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
