I CAN MOONWALK!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize