he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
